Upon arrival of the mail, Michal Szybalski immediately reported his complaints to local quality control authorities.
“It just truly amazed me. The snails have seemingly surpassed the complexity and limits of our man made information and parcel transportation system. Had I known of this earlier I would have requested a delivery by these mollusks well in advance,” Szybalski sarcastically remarked in a newly released press report.
As a response to the massive influx of criticism, Szybalski’s regular mail service, Schnelle Aktion (Fast Action, German) promptly refunded Szybalski’s shipping costs. Yet this gracious gesture was clearly not enough to appease Schnelle Aktion’s customers. In just this past week, nearly 23% of their clientele have either dropped their services or have switched to other mail providers.
In a public apology for the general lack of quality and promptness of deliveries, CEO of Schnelle Aktion, Ludwick Vindalchte attempted to reconcile with promises of a better future. “Despite what you or I think of this company [Schnelle Aktion], it is has been made statistically clear, that Schnelle Aktion’s level of quality has dropped in recent years. With this issue now out our top coordinators attention I can assure each and everyone one of will receive prompt service if you utilize our recourses for your shipping needs.”
To this short and to-the-point address, onlookers, lobbyists, and protesters were general dissatisfied.
“He promises the world but is a chazter when it comes to money. I can’t blame everyone for making such a big kvetch over the issue,” stated local father of 4 and economic analyst, Moysheh Spenskilevski. “Nevertheless, the sudden decrease in demand for Schnelle Aktion’s services has had grave implications for their employees.”
When later asked about layoffs, Ludwick Vindalchte estimated a 30% cut, when taking into account current trends. This approximates to 3,000 jobs.
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